Chris and I have been binge-watching the television show "Parenthood" for the past few weeks. Last night we ended with the episode where Adam loses his job and Christina reveals she's pregnant. Of course, I cried, I always cry, I expect that. What I did not expect was to be still crying today. I am feeling so overwhelmed right now. Overwhelmed with life, with being an adult in the middle of my life, and wondering, even wishing, that I could feel as confident in the decisions we've made to bring us to this stage in our life, this adventure of entrepreneurship, and homesteading, as we were when we left Las Vegas almost 3 years ago. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE our dream! I did not expect that making a huge city-to-country transition, quitting my job and starting a business that I don't know much about in an industry I am not educated in at all, finding our own piece of the world to grow our roots, and eventually bringing others into the BIG picture of having a Farmstay resort,would be seamless. I mean, in my mind it is. But right now, with Chris still underemployed and becoming even more so in the next 6 months, and regularily finding my landlords in my basement at any hour, wiping their manure-ridden boots on my laundry rug while they prepare supplemental food for their calves, I'm sort of freaking out. I'm really freaking out.
For most of my life I have "bucked" the system. I find it very hard to subscribe to social norms of what a life should entail. My longest employment up to this point was the 8 1/2 years I spent working with people with disabilities at Transition Services in Vegas. I have never cared much about the pensions or benefits my dad advised were necessary to be successful when I was starting out in my adult life 20 years ago. I have had moments of intense envy of those people who find it so easy to get a job in their field of study, and stay there, working their way up into more prominent, higher paying positions, and seem to coast through life doing everything "right", just like they were told. I just don't do that, I can't. And now, we are at the point where we are feeling mentally, emotionally, and financially ready to go "all in" and find our own place. We met with the bank in January to see if we could even qualify for a loan, and we've been encouraged to apply. I'm scared. I'm scared of not being approved for a loan, and I'm scared of being approved. I want this so badly for our family, for my husband who I adore to no end, for my children who make my heart soar every time I look at them. For me, to prove to myself that I can do this, that I can achieve something I have been dreaming of in the midst of so many other non-realized dreams throughout my life.
I read a post from one of my favorite homestead blogs this morning. If you have never been to the "Farmstead" blog, I encourage you to go. I am inspired by this family because they have now gone all in on their own dream. Putting all their financial resources, energy, and time into something they are passionate about. Something unconventional. They speak often about the hardships. Sometimes I feel like I try so hard to be optimistic, embrace life at face value, in the present moments, and that I encourage others to do the same. Sometimes I forget to be real. Because going all in is hard, and I know we have been tiptoeing up to this point. Tiptoeing our way around someone else's land trying to learn about farming. Tiptoeing our way into a business with little risk. Playing it safe. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to leap. And I want to tell you about it, the reality, the fantastic, the heartbreaking. I want in.
For most of my life I have "bucked" the system. I find it very hard to subscribe to social norms of what a life should entail. My longest employment up to this point was the 8 1/2 years I spent working with people with disabilities at Transition Services in Vegas. I have never cared much about the pensions or benefits my dad advised were necessary to be successful when I was starting out in my adult life 20 years ago. I have had moments of intense envy of those people who find it so easy to get a job in their field of study, and stay there, working their way up into more prominent, higher paying positions, and seem to coast through life doing everything "right", just like they were told. I just don't do that, I can't. And now, we are at the point where we are feeling mentally, emotionally, and financially ready to go "all in" and find our own place. We met with the bank in January to see if we could even qualify for a loan, and we've been encouraged to apply. I'm scared. I'm scared of not being approved for a loan, and I'm scared of being approved. I want this so badly for our family, for my husband who I adore to no end, for my children who make my heart soar every time I look at them. For me, to prove to myself that I can do this, that I can achieve something I have been dreaming of in the midst of so many other non-realized dreams throughout my life.
I read a post from one of my favorite homestead blogs this morning. If you have never been to the "Farmstead" blog, I encourage you to go. I am inspired by this family because they have now gone all in on their own dream. Putting all their financial resources, energy, and time into something they are passionate about. Something unconventional. They speak often about the hardships. Sometimes I feel like I try so hard to be optimistic, embrace life at face value, in the present moments, and that I encourage others to do the same. Sometimes I forget to be real. Because going all in is hard, and I know we have been tiptoeing up to this point. Tiptoeing our way around someone else's land trying to learn about farming. Tiptoeing our way into a business with little risk. Playing it safe. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to leap. And I want to tell you about it, the reality, the fantastic, the heartbreaking. I want in.
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